Yesterday was rough. It was emotional. I cried. I don't know what else to say. I can't really describe my fears. Of course I didn't do anything to cause this. It is just something that happened. But that really sucks. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my family, to stay strong so Randy doesn't have to worry about me. Today is better, markedly better then yesterday. Maybe I needed to feel those feelings, I wish that I was always strong. I struggle with not having a plan that I can follow, having to take this one day at a time is a real struggle for me. Having to trust that everything will be OK is difficult & uncomfortable.
It's also difficult being on our own in this, living away from family is hard - especially when you need them to just be there without having to ask. I wish I could snap my fingers & have my mother & sister here in an instant & then snap them again when they needed to be home. Someone should really invent some kind of portal to make this type of travel possible.
Day 4 highlights:
*Got to tour the NICU. The charge nurse that gave us the tour was really hopeful & gave us a lot of information on what are days will look like once Max gets here. I am pretty sure my goal of having the chubbiest baby in the NICU is achievable
*Was excited to hear how much they promote breastfeeding & how much support there will be for me once Max gets here in that regard
*No overnight contractions!!
*Jack & I had some alone time & were able to have a talk about how things are going & what is going on in his little life
I slept through the night for the most part, that was really helpful for the mood today. Our Dr came by on morning rounds & was happy to find me still pregnant. She had reviewed our ultrasound from Friday & the tech had measured even more fluid then I had thought so she was even more hopeful that we can keep me pregnant for awhile longer. If I get to 34 weeks (May 10th!!) we will take the decision day by day & if I start showing sings of infection or the baby starts to show distress we will make the tough choices then.
I did not have any contractions overnight & haven't noticed any today. I am still getting strapped to the fetal monitor for a few 1 hr monitoring sessions a day & he is doing well each time we listen in. Tonight he even scored bonus points for being able to accelerate & decelerate his heartbeat above & below his normal baseline.
*A visit from a close friend. It got my mind off things & it felt good to have some girly chit chat
*Calls & texts from a few other close friends that made me laugh
*Max is kicking up a storm today, it's really reassuring to feel all those movements
*Randy located my maternity leggings & a tshirt for me to wear - so much better then the backless nightmare I had been lounging around in
Looking forward to's:
*Thursday is officially 1 week down - we are going to have a little party in our room & have cupcakes
*Friday will be our next ultrasound
It feels good to have some goals coming up that don't seem too far off now. Thank you again for all of the kind thoughts & positive messages & prayers. I know I have said it, but it helps keep me going knowing that we have so much love coming our way.